Star Trek Into Darkness

EXT. STARFLEET HQ – DAY

It’s an ordinary day, bright and beautiful. I’m enjoying my lunch outside Starfleets headquarters, looking up at the San Francisco skyline, when I notice a Starship falling out of the sky. Normally, space crafts flying around isn’t much of a concern, but today, seeing one drop like a ton of bricks, gives me pause. A young CADET, because I don’t know what the hell else you’d call someone in training (Wikipedia is banned in the future, so looking up Star Trek terminology is out of the question…and not really important to me in this context), approaches me.

CADET

Oh my God.

GENREVIEWER

Well, that can’t be good.

The ship hurdles to Earth. I can sense we’ll all be dead soon, because it looks like it’s coming in hot and I’m too busy thinking to move. In a moment of clarity, the whole event takes place as a movie in my head and I can suddenly see, feel, hear, and experience everything that happened to the people involved, directly or akin, to the plummeting spacecraft.

GENREVIEWER

It’s Khan.

CADET

Who?

GENREVIEWER

Don’t worry about it.

This is the Star Trek crew, as seen before in many countless iterations. For this story (because I’m seeing all this remember…it’s a life-flashing-before-your-eyes kind of thing), Kirk, Spock, and the rest of the crew have battled against a thinly veiled Khan and a nefarious Starfleet piece of Big Cheese – AKA Robocop. It’s a lot like the previous Star Trek, but perhaps a little darker, with a nice blend of serious and fun. In my mind movie, I’m enjoying this one slightly more, but for reasons that aren’t entirely clear to me.

GENREVIEWER

Man, this is awesome.

CADET

What? That thing is going to kill us.

GENREVIEWER

Right. For us, it’s going to suck, but for an audience’s viewing pleasure, this will be incredible to watch.

CADET

You’ve had an aneurysm, haven’t you?

The poor, stupid cadet. He doesn’t know what’s happening, but it won’t matter because we’ll be crushed by an enormous ship in a matter of seconds. It does give me just enough time to reflect on the job J.J. Abrams has done with the series, even if it is a far different beast from the many television series that preceded it (and this one had less noticeable lens flairs, at least on initial viewing). The rest of the cast, or is it crew in this scenario?, have all embraced their characters and have had as much fun as is possible. Sure, events are telegraphed a bit, but I don’t go into a Star Trek movie like this to be surprised, I go in for the thrill and the fun. Wacky, space hijinks – my favorite.

GENREVIEWER

Well, that was fun.

CADET

You’re nuts.

GENREVIEWER

Listen up, cadet. We may perish here today, but there is a crew up there we need to thank for saving humanity. You’d be going to war against the Klingons soon if it weren’t for them.

CADET

So? That’s a lot better option than being crushed by a warship.

GENREVIEWER

That’s a hell of a point. Nevertheless, I’m supportive of this film…er, I mean story taking place before me. Whatever. Let’s go out proud, son.

The ship crashes down, wreaking all sorts of havoc. The ocean suddenly has a serious wave problem, and a small portion of the city is decimated by this a-hole who doesn’t know how to fly a space ship. As our lives are nearly cut tragically short, I smile at the experience I was granted, the story that I was given and the fun had within, so much so that I felt like a part of it all. In my final moment, I remember a stripping Carol Marcus, and though I can sense a backlash coming for showing that scene in the film, I can only shake my head and wonder why people felt that they needed to bitch about that. I’ll remember it fondly and apologize to no one.

Then I die. Damn.

Overall Film Grade: B+

Oscars – 85th Annual Academy Awards

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Here I sit, in front of the TV. It’s a familiar scene, but one startling difference is how similarly the Oscars matched up to what I wanted. Okay, I don’t know that yet, but I’m sitting here hoping that its the case.

Things are about to start, and knowing that this isn’t the Golden Globes, there shouldn’t be any reason to get flat out pissed with any selections. I’ve got money on this, so now is the time for the picks to match up right.

GENREVIEWER

Ugh, this is unfortunate. Seth MacFarlane…um, yeah. Okay. Uh, yeah. We need the awards now. Even Best Sound Mixing.

So now the Best Supporting Actor award. Christoph Waltz! What?

GENREVIEWER

Holy shit! Awesome.

Now Animated Short. Paperman…the only one I knew about. Good. So how about Animated Film? It’s Brave, which I picked, even if it wasn’t the best Pixar (though better than Cars).

Now we’re onto Cinematography. Your guess is as good as mine. Life of Pi. It’s what picked, despite not ever having seen it. So who won Visual Effects: Life of Pi. Fine. Whatever.

GENREVIEWER

We started out so promising. But alas, I begin the long descent to failure. They should let Christoph Waltz do all the acceptance speeches.

Costumes! The entire reason period pieces exist. I vote Anna Karenina, Anna Karenina wins. I occasionally know what I’m doing, even if what I’m doing is guessing random things about movies I’ve never seen. Then there was Makeup, which gave the win to The Hobbit. My win streak is back. On second thought, this is why you don’t write down the winners before they happen, because you’re wrong. Les Mis. Win streak is dead.

GENREVIEWER

Dammit.

Another award. Live Action Short goes to Curfew. Something I got right…and all I had to do was pull it out of my ass. Following right up is Documentary Short. How exciting? Or not. Inocente.

GENREVIEWER

At least we’re breezing through these…less than thrilling categories.

Best Documentary? Has to be Searching for Sugar Man, because I picked it. Let’s wrap up Foreign Film, because Amour is going to win. Bam.

GENREVIEWER

Did we really need to listen to anything from Chicago again? (Apologies to Genreviewer’s mother).

We might get another award soon? Not sure though. Oh, Best Sound Mixing…one day I’ll know what that is. Les Mis. Sure, it had sound in it. Now Sound Editing. My personal favorite. A TIE!!!!!!! Zero Dark Thirty and Skyfall. So I don’t know what any of this is, but we get two winners. Twice the acceptance speeches. Huzzah!

GENREVIEWER

Give me some real awards. Oh, we are getting them. Cool.

Best Supporting Actress. Front runner is Anne Hathaway, who wins. Because sometimes people guess right. How do we follow that up? Best Editing. Um, right. Argo.

GENREVIEWER

We’re getting to the juicy stuff, more or less. Be excited world.

Nope. Just more singing and commercials. Okay, some Production Design. Straight up Lincoln. Okay, sure. Good one, mate. Holy God, let’s get this going. All the extra shit really just drags things down. Moving on to Film Score. The best one will win. Life of Pi. Never mind, that’s not what I picked. Next, we have Best Original Song. Skyfall. I finally got one right.

GENREVIEWER

I promise you, now we’re in the good stuff.

With Best Adapted Screenplay, we have Argo. I can handle that. Quick jump to Original Screenplay, with a win by Djano Unchained.

GENREVIEWER

Tarantino. I’m content with that. Very content.

Moving quickly, here’s Best Director. Winner is Ang Lee? Hmm, didn’t see that coming. And Best Actress (of falling down) is Jennifer Lawrence. Awesome. Silver Linings Playbook was amazing. Let’s roundhouse kick this Best Actor, tailor made for Daniel Day-Lewis.

GENREVIEWER

Moment of truth. What do we have?

Best Picture. Argo. Nuff said. All done folks.

ATM

INT. ATM – NIGHT

I’m stuck in a room with three FUCKING MORONS, quibbling with each other over how to escape one of the most easily escapable horror situations ever put to film. Seriously, there is a single guy standing outside, a man who routinely goes behind the building and is out of sight, but for some reason these three idjit’s cannot muster up the effort to run, even after knowing the guy will likely kill them. Honestly, just fucking stupid.

GENREVIEWER

Will you three shut up?

They look at me like I’m the asshole. I try not to roll my eyes, but I fail miserably.

DOUCHE MORON

Dude, if we go out there, he’ll kill us.

GENREVIEWER

If you stay in here, you’ll die too. Seriously, it’d be one thing if he was constantly standing out front, threatening you, or if he displayed some supernatural abilities, but he’s always out of sight and you guys just hang out here, trying idiotic methods to get the ATM to call the police. Isn’t going to happen, so knock it off.

MORON GUY

You’re being insensitive. That’s rude.

GENREVIEWER

I think you suck as a character and probably do not deserve to live, even though you will. Luckily, it doesn’t quite work out well for you, due to some ridiculous plot contrivances, but at this point I’ll take it.

The power goes out. It’s going to get colder and the irritability factor for these characters will skyrocket.

MORON GIRL

Don’t be mean to the guy I’ve known for less than three hours, but now want to marry and have babies with. We will also grow old together. And all that stuff.

GENREVIEWER

None of that will happen. I guarantee it. You future is dark and grim, full of sadness and death.

DOUCHE MORON

Why are you doing this to us?

GENREVIEWER

Because I sat through a movie so poorly written, conceived, and acted, despite utilizing one of my favorite techniques in horror. That’s right, I love horror films set in single locations, but there is a line and you crossed it. You crossed the shitty line, where I couldn’t even enjoy the spectacular display of non-mentally challenged people acting in the most challenged of ways.

MORON GUY

So why don’t you help us?

GENREVIEWER

I want this psychopath (who won’t be properly explained by the end of this film) to kill all of you now, allowing his nonsensical, even on the surface level, plan to get the better of all three of you. Why would anyone want to help you at this point?

The killer returns to stand out front, trying to be as menacing as possible.

GENREVIEWER (CONT’D)

This guy isn’t even that intimidating. Sure, he killed the guy with the dog, but he’s tripped while chasing you and has only managed to barely catch you the few times you’ve made a run for it. He’s inept. And because I know he’ll disappear to the back soon, I’ll make my way out of here while you continue standing here like the morons you are, waiting to die.

MORON GIRL

Let’s try putting the pin in backwards again. Maybe it will call the cops this time.

GENREVIEWER

It won’t. You’ll just waste more time. But have at it, I’m out of here.

The killer walks away again, which you think would be meant for goading us out of the room, but it isn’t. He’s just busy completing part of his plan he seriously can’t know will end up working. I leave the ATM, to free myself from the moron trio’s bullshit. As I leave, I shout back.

GENREVIEWER

Hey, killer guy. Screw your plan and kill these morons.

He watches me leave. I honestly don’t know if he’ll listen, but at this point, why work myself up to care?

Overall Film Grade: D-

The Amazing Spider-Man

EXT. SKYSCRAPER – NIGHT

I hang over the side of the building. EMO PETER PARKER stands above me, keeping me from plummeting from my death with the string of web coming from his wrist. His hair covers most of his eyes, looking about as douchy as you probably remember from Spider-Man 3. He’s clearly the Tobey McGuire version, but I bet you guessed that already.

EMO PETER PARKER

Take it back.

He screams this in the whiniest voice possible, which makes it all the more obnoxious. I kind of wish he’d just let me fall. But he doesn’t.

GENREVIEWER

I can’t. The Amazing Spider-Man is my favorite Spider-Man film to date. Sorry.

EMO PETER PARKER

But what about Raimi’s version? What about my take on the character?

GENREVIEWER

I like Raimi’s films, I really do. They are fun and showed how to do comic book movies in a way other than dark and gritty (though I dig those takes), but they were never really transcendent. I tried to convince myself otherwise, but fun is what they did best and that can’t be taken away. But there isn’t much else there. As for your performance, it’s serviceable (excluding the third entry), and nowhere near the fucktastically terrible performance Kirstin Dunst put in, but Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone both have better acting chops and look better than the two of you combined. It’s not fair, but it’s life.

He looks hurt, but I can’t tell if it’s him pained by my words or memories of Dunst’s horrendous take on the Mary Jane Watson character.

EMO PETER PARKER

The new Spider-Man is constantly making stupid mistakes. Putting him and others in danger regularly. What’s with that?

GENREVIEWER

That’s what I liked about this Peter Parker. He’s prone to mistakes because he’s a teenage boy with hormonal issues trying to figure out how the superhero world works. He hasn’t had the training, or the money, Bruce Wayne had to become Batman. So Peter leaves his name on evidence and takes his mask off constantly because he doesn’t have the first clue about what he’s doing. He’s flawed and struggles to balance his lack of knowledge with this growing power inside him.

EMO PETER PARKER

Sounds like bad writing. You’re just covering it up.

GENREVIEWER

Maybe, but I think Marc Webb’s version was more complete than what Raimi offered. In the end, they are different, but the story in TASM intrigued me more. The Lizard worked, for the most part…

EMO PETER PARKER

Except for that atrocious CGI.

 GENREVIEWER

…and despite being not the most complete CG character, he wasn’t so bad, at least to my eyes. Was Doc Ock a better villain? Yes, but he always has been. But I dug what we got here, figuring we’d been waiting for years for Raimi to do it.

He lets the line drop a little further, trying to scare me. At this point, it’s pointless. I’m not scared and just want to be done.

EMO PETER PARKER

I’ll drop you. Tell me my movie is better or I’ll drop you.

GENREVIEWER

That’s not very Spider-Man-y of you. I think this emo phase isn’t doing you any favors. Makes you seem super irritable.

EMO PETER PARKER

Leave me alone.

GENREVIEWER

Drop me if you have to, but this is what I believe. The new Spider-Man is more grown up, it’s funny, there’s actual chemistry between the leads, and the overall experience is richer and more fun than what I got from the original series.

Emo Peter Parker looks me in the eye and frowns. He drops me, sending my plummeting towards the city street below. It’s a close one, but the real Spider-Man, looking like a damn handsome Andrew Garfield, swings in and scoops me up. I assume he goes up to kick Emo Pete’s ass, but I’m too busy reflecting on the film as a whole.

Overall Film Grade: B+

Correcting the Emmys

Why? Why not. Let’s hope they get it right, but…haha, okay, you’re right, never mind:

– That’s it. You can go home, pull your loved ones close, and complain about the selections tonight. Goodnight. –

COMEDY SERIES

Won: Modern Family

Should Have Won: Parks and Rec

Honestly, Parks wasn’t nominated, but as good as some of the nominees were, Parks and Rec is the funniest show on TV. That was an oversight, so here I am, correcting them. But nobody is surprised with the Modern Family win. Zero percent of the population.

DRAMA SERIES

Won: Homeland

Should Have Won: Breaking Bad

Honestly, I like Homeland, but it simply isn’t in the same league as Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, and Mad Men. It’s smartly written, but I’m never dying to see what happens next, not in the same way as I am with the previously mentioned shows. That’s just my opinion, which is also a fact, but that’s what it is. Deal with it. Still, congrats Homeland.

– Sherlock didn’t win. Kevin Costner is weird though. Idris Elba is cool. He didn’t win either. –

– Danny Strong was in Buffy. That’s weird. Looks exactly the same. –

– Okay, I mentioned how I was going to ignore the miniseries stuff a little too early. I’m doing it now. Expect an update if Sherlock wins. Or if American Horror Story wins. –

VARIETY SERIES

Won: Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Should Have Won: Colbert Report

Because he hasn’t. Or not recently. I don’t know. Still, we all love Jon. Equally.

– Another note: Ricky Gervais is a genius. –

– I lied. Louis won again. That’s worth mentioning. I actually wrote that before he won, because he didn’t. This is why I stay out of this, because this garbage doesn’t interest me. No offense to the winners. –

– Listen up, few readers. I’m not doing miniseries because I don’t care about them and haven’t seen any, except Sherlock. Luckily, Sherlock is fantastic and should win every category it is in. Should it not, I will be sad, but I’ll also get over it. So go Sherlock, and despite having never seen it, fail American Horror Story. Just because people watch it for fun and bad writing doesn’t make something good enough to win. Or to be nominated. –

– I’m not doing variety special. If Louis doesn’t win, I’ll eat a brick. Okay, he won, we’re fine. No bricks for me. –

ACTRESS – DRAMA

Won: Claire Danes – Homeland

Should Have Won: Claire Danes – Homeland

Yup. Elizabeth Moss second. But good job. As if that meant anything to Claire Danes.

– Let me interrupt your live blogging for a second. Bryan Cranston is the best. This must be made clear. I like Homeland, I really do, but it’s got nothing on Cranston. Walt is going to lose his shit. –

ACTOR – DRAMA

Won: Damien Lewis – Homeland

Should Have Won: Bryan Cranston – Breaking Bad

Um…no. Just no. Don’t care how good he is, or sexy Jon Hamm is, Bryan Cranston is the best. The ABSOLUTE best.

DIRECTING – DRAMA

Won: Tim Van Patten – Boardwalk Empire

Should Have Won: Vince Gilligan – Breaking Bad

Don’t watch it, but Breaking Bad is the best show on TV. So clearly something wrong happened.

– If more people didn’t show up to this award show, it would blow by. Maybe that’s the solution: all the winners can’t come, and thus we can get through the whole show in about twenty minutes. Problem solved. –

SUPPORTING ACTRESS – DRAMA

Won: Maggie Smith – Downton Abbey

Should Have Won: Christina Hendricks – Mad Men

Because I watch that show. But still, cool.

WRITING – DRAMA

Won: Homeland

Should Have Won: Homeland

Sure. All good stuff. Mad Men winning wouldn’t have been bad either.

SUPPORTING ACTOR – DRAMA

Won: Aaron Paul – Breaking Bad

Should Have Won: Giancarlo Esposito – Breaking Bad

Love Aaron Paul (and Peter Dinklage), but Gus was the craziest character I’ve seen in a long time. Still, this was a good pick. I dig it.

REALITY SHOW HOST

Won: Tom Bergeron – Dancing with the Stars

Should Have Won: Phil Keoghan – Amazing Race

Honestly, I’m done with reality.

– Okay, I looked up how many more categories are left. Sonofabitch. Okay, maybe it will speed up even more or we can blow through some of the less interesting ones. Like reality show related stuff. Hop-skip-and-jump straight to drama and lets call this a night. Anybody? Anybody? Shucks, your support means so much to me. Side note: I’m essentially talking to myself, but it’s arguably acceptable when done over the internet. That’s kind of weird. –

REALITY COMPETITION 

Won: The Amazing Race

Should Have: The Amazing Race

I could almost care less about any of the other nominees, but because I don’t care at all in the first place, it’s pretty easy.

LEAD ACTRESS – COMEDY

Won: Julia Louis-Dreyfus – Veep

Should Have Won: Amy Poehler – Parks and Rec

Many of them could have won, but I like Amy best. But Veep is a very funny show, so this is welcome. I will take this. Like the award itself. FedEx it Julia. Actually, good comedic bit up there by her. She can keep the award. Okay, this is a bit that isn’t working, so ignore me and let Julia keep rocking it. Funny lady.

– We are moving at a decent clip still. That much I like. The academy or whatever the group is that nominates these categories really need to get better taste in comedy. I know it’s subjective, but there are great shows out there getting ignored: Community, Parks and Rec, Archer, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, etc. That’s all I could think up off the top of my head, but honestly, 2.5 Men isn’t funny. Okay, whatever, I don’t care. –

LEAD ACTOR – COMEDY

Won: Jon Cryer – Two and a Half Men

Should Have Won: Louis C.K. – Louie

Louie is blowing up like the badass he is. I dig Alec and Larry, but it’s all Louie. Except none of them win, because 2.5 Men won again. Whereas I like Modern Family and don’t mind them winning, I don’t like 2.5 Men and mind them winning. Ugh.

DIRECTING – COMEDY

Won: Steven Levitan – Modern Family

Should Have Won: Louis C.K. – Louie

It was a great episode by Louis, but if Modern Family is nominated, why bother assuming anything else will win? No, I like Modern Family, but still…

GUEST ACTOR – COMEDY

Won: Jimmy Fallon – SNL

Should Have Won: Michael J. Fox – Curb Your Enthusiasm

He’s a dick version of himself, but also still a sweetheart. How that’s not a win, I don’t know.

GUEST ACTRESS – COMEDY

Won: Kathy Bates – Two and a Half Men

Should Have Won: Elizabeth Banks – 30 Rock

Because. Also, 2.5 Men is atrocious.

– Things are moving along nicely. Louie is getting recognized by a more national audience, so that’s good. I guess. Why not? Does anybody care? –

SUPPORTING ACTRESS – COMEDY

Won: Julie Bowen – Modern Family

Should Have Won: Julie Bowen – Modern Family

Eh, why not? Might have picked some other shows, but Julie does a good job.

WRITING – COMEDY

Won: Louie

Should Have Won: Louie

Any of them could have, but Louie is great.

SUPPORTING ACTOR – COMEDY

Won: Eric Stonestreet – Modern Family

Should Have Won: Max Greenfield – New Girl

Eric is great in Modern Family, but they win all the time, and Schmidt was a character that saw vast improvement over the course of New Girl’s first season.